Ross and the 42-Year Accidental Nap

So yeah… I was asleep for 42 years.

Not, like, medically — just spiritually, emotionally, existentially unconscious.

If there was an Olympic event for “functioning while completely disconnected from your soul,” I’d

have 12 gold medals and a sponsorship deal with Nescafé.

I wasn’t living, I was basically a screensaver with abs.

People were like, “Ross, how are you feeling?”

And I’d be like, “Productive.”

That’s not a feeling, that’s a symptom.

For four decades, I was out here grinding, hustling, optimizing…

Meanwhile my soul was in the corner like,

“Hey bro, any chance I can come out and, I don’t know… exist?”

But I was too busy doing what normal people do —

counting macros, scheduling feelings for next Tuesday, and pretending that “fine” was a

personality.

Then one day — BAM! — heartbreak.

The universe didn’t just wake me up.

It kicked the door down, slapped me across the face with a wet fish, and screamed,

“WAKE UP, YOU EMOTIONALLY CONSTIPATED POTATO!”

And suddenly, I could feel things.

Which was confusing because feelings are sticky, messy, and they don’t come with Wi-Fi.

I cried. A lot.

Like, I cried so much my neighbours probably thought I was cutting onions or watching The

Notebook on repeat.

No — I was just experiencing reality for the first time since 1983.

You know you’ve been asleep too long when the last emotion you remember having was “mild

disappointment” over a broken Walkman.

I started noticing things I’d never seen before — like how the ocean sparkles, or how dogs have

eyebrows, or how people actually talk about feelings.

Someone said, “I’m holding space for you,” and I was like,

“Thanks, but can I sit down? I’ve been unconscious since before TikTok.”

Now I’m fully awake — and it’s exhausting.

So many emotions!

Happiness, sadness, nostalgia, guilt, joy, hunger — sometimes all before breakfast.

But hey, I’ll take that over being a walking spreadsheet any day.

So yeah — I’m awake now.

42 years late, but better late than never.

Though if I start to drift off again… someone please just throw a coconut at me.